KID ICARUS: UPRISING (Honest Game Trailers)
by Anonymous Contributer
Summary: Warning: The following contains strong language and playful jabs at a cool video game. It is not recommended to those who cannot take a joke. Also spoilers for a game you've probably already beaten. Reader discretion is advised.


**The following is rated "H" for honest.**

* * *

><p><strong>Narrator:<strong> From the company supposedly still making "SMT X Fire Emblem", and the guy whose reasoning for why Ridley isn't playable in "Smash Bros." is complete bullshit, finally comes the next installment of the forgotten cult classic after over twenty years.

**Pit:** Sorry to keep you waiting!

**Narrator:** Yeah you better be! Ugh…I hope Half-Life 3 doesn't take this long.

Kid Icarus: Uprising

Dive into this exciting title that masterfully combines the fun rail-shooting from "Star Fox", the underrated gameplay from "Sin and Punishment", and the lack of a fourth wall from "Metal Gear".

**Pit:** Yeah, but this place is so huge, we even had a loading screen back there.

**Viridi:** Shhh, they're going to hear you! We're not supposed to talk about that!

**Narrator:** Revel in this family fun game filled with kid-friendly content such as…nightmarish abominations, close-ups of charred bones, and lots and _lots_ of innuendos.

**Viridi:** Someone's overcompensating!

**Palutena:** Feeling a little inadequate, Viridi?

**Amazon Pandora:** Of course she is. You should too! Just LOOK at me!

**Dark Pit:** Hey there, Pit stain!

**Pit:** I hope there's room for one more...

**Palutena:** There's always room for one more!

**Pit:** Step 3: REMOVE PANTS!

**Narrator:** Rated E10+ for everyone ages 10 and—

**Viridi:** I always forget how big clubs are.

**Pit:** But they're not as heavy as they look.

**Viridi:** Bigger isn't always better, you know.

**Pit:** Small things please small minds!

**Viridi:** The best things come in small packages!

**Pit:** So do small potatoes!

**Viridi:** Great oaks from little acorns grow!

**Narrator:** Okay yeah, we get the picture. So can we move on—

**Pit:** Talk softly and carry a big stick!

**Viridi:** The bigger they are, the harder they fall!

**Pit:** I'm...large and in charge?

**Viridi:** You're too big for your britches!

**Pit:** Yeah...and I don't want to steam the sacred buns.

**Magnus:** We're done talking about this.

**Narrator:** Yes, yes we are.

Meet Kid Icarus—

**Pit:** Who is this "Icarus" guy this game is named after?

**Narrator:** Er, I mean Pit! An angel who's the Captain of the Goddess of Light's Royal Army. Despite being clearly unqualified, considering he's the only angel who can't fly.

**Palutena:** Oh, don't worry about him. He's fine. His wings just don't work right.

**Pit:** Hey, whose side are you on?

**Narrator:** Is illiterate.

**Pit:** I never learned how to reeeeead!

**Narrator:** And eats everything off the ground without any value for his health.

**Palutena:** Though I have seen him eat some questionable things off the ground...

**Pit:** Floor ice cream gives you health!

**Narrator:** He fights for Palutena, the Goddess of Light herself. A benevolent deity who shows it by constantly trolling her loyal servant.

**Pit:** That's a lie. Right, Lady Palutena? I'm not your personal assistant.

**Palutena:** ...I could use a coffee.

**Pit:** Sure thing. Cream and two sugars, right?

**Narrator:** Watch as she screws with Pit so much, you'll wonder why anyone would still work for her after all this abuse.

**Palutena:** I can also see what's in your heart.

**Pit:** Oh...heh heh. That's really...something...

**Palutena:** So you'd better not be thinking of anything...naughty.

**Pit:** What?! How did you—

**Narrator:** Oh now I understand. Can't say I blame him though.

Together, they'll stop some of Nintendo's most powerful villains. Including…Medusa, practically the only other character who's spoiler-free. Viridi, who along with Joffrey from "Game of Thrones" reminds us that child rulers suck!

**Viridi:** Good riddance, human scum! The world's better off without you!

**Narrator:** Dark Pit. The classic example of a darker, cooler, evil twin of the main character who everyone loves more. Until he became a clone in the next "Smash Bros.", which made everyone immediately hate him.

But really, did you seriously believe we would be okay with that!? COME ON!

*Darker tone* And Hades, the true God of the Underworld, and one of the evilest, most vile beings to have ever been brought into existence. An antagonist so malevolent, he makes Hannibal Lecter look like Mr. Rogers. *Lighter tone* But he's just so darn funny, you can't help but love him!

**Pit:** It's bad enough that you eat souls!

**Hades:** But souls are delicious. They're like bacon-they taste good on everything.

**Narrator:** Oh Hades, you cad!

Take down these epic foes with a multitude of weapons that you can power up through random luck with the clusterfuck that is weapon fusion.

Because simply buying the upgrades and mods you want makes too much sense.

So take flight for a game that'll entertain you for days on end. But you'll only be able to play for an hour at a time before you break your—

_*CRACK*_

AAAH! MY WRIST! Why would you put in such a painful control scheme like that!? Couldn't you have at least added a wrist brace with the game along with the stand!? SAKURAAAAAAAAAAAIIIII!

Starring:

Sora (Pit)

Vanitas (Dark Pit)

PaluMania Only On Pay-Per-View (Palutena)

The Cloud Of Darkness (Medusa)

Jecht (Magnus)

Golbez (Dark Lord Gaol)

Hail Hewdraw (Hewdraw)

Pandora The Explorer (Pandora)

King Triton (Poseidon)

Fat Gumby (Thanatos)

Ino Yamanaka (Viridi)

Alfred Pennyworth (Arlon)

Mary Marvel (Phosphora)

The Human Tor— (Pyrrhon)

**ASSUMING DIRECT CONTROL!** (Aurum Pyrrhon)

Cranky Kong (Dyntos)

And A Suitable Substitute For James Woods (Hades)

Kid Eye-Car-Us: Uprising

**Hades:** Hrrrraaah! Hello again, Pitty.

**Pit:** Hades!

**Hades:** Pit!

**Pit:** Hades!

**Hades:** Pit!

**Pit:** Hades!

**Hades:** Pit!

**Pit:** Hades!

**Urdnot Wrex:** Shepard.

**Commander Shepard:** Wrex.

* * *

><p><strong>Thanks for reading! And so we have another "Honest Game Trailers" for a game that will probably get an official video from "Smosh Games" eventually (Hell, it'll probably get one before "Fire Emblem: Awakening"). It doesn't help that I feel like I'm getting worse at these, but that's probably because every writer is their own worst critic (also not helping is my lack of self-esteem...and sanity). Before I shut up, I do know that Dark Pit was a last minute addition to the "Smash Bros." roster, and was therefore an extra character slot instead of a replacement. But even with that knowledge, I still feel cheated out and pissed off at his inclusion. An be honest, you feel exactly the same way I do about it. And if you don't, feel free to disagree and I'll respect it. We all have opinions people. No reason to start a war over it. That's all I have for now, so it's time to go to work on Chapter 2 of the story everyone wants me to make. Have a good day folks!<strong>


End file.
